I must be making poor decisions, because I never sleep or move or do anything at all lately. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe I have a brain problem. Maybe my drug intake is too high. That would at least explain why I constantly forget what happens when I’m not sleeping. The thing is, my drug intake is real low. It must be something else.
Whats going on in my life, you ask? Well, lets see. Its Thursday morning, 5am. Today, I woke up at about 12. Zoe, Roxanne, and I went to the Pratt dining hall to get coffee. Zoe and I had some questionable veal. Ive been eating a shitload the last couple of days. That’s because before anything else, I smoke. Must refrain from doing that…don’t even like weed. Kind of hate it, actually. Anyway, after eating Zoe and I napped. We may have watched The X-Files first, don’t remember. She slept through her 630pm class, we woke up at 8ish. Don’t think we did anything afterwards. We smoked and got bagels. These bagels were the only pleasant thing to happen to me today. They were really something.
Yesterday, the world was a mess. Now that Obama has been elected its as if everyone around me is full of life and so damn excited for ‘the future’. Im far too tired to get excited about ‘the future’. Smoked to celebrate. That was all.
Made a new friend the day before. That was excellent. We’ll call him RGR. Great guy. Has a wonderful apartment, right near my favorite pier on the Hudson River. From his tenth story window you can literally see all of New York: leaning out the window with a cigarette in my hand, I could swear I would reach the lit buildings making up a skyline you only see on ‘Friends’. We spent 33 hours together. I counted. I told him everything about myself, more than he even wanted to know im sure. Still, he listened and smiled and told me how he loved listening to me, pointing out “boyish charm” in the way I purse my lips and let my eyes wander as I search for the most articulate way to phrase my sentence. I’ve never considered myself to bear much “boyish charm”, but if it’s true I hope it shows. I like people with boyish charm. I would like to have some myself. I hope we will get together again. He asked that I be around to get together next week when he gets back from a business trip to LA. It would be nice.
That last paragraph makes it seem that I have some wonderful love prospect. I don’t. This was a very friendly encounter. Which is nice. I need some friends. I love the ones I have but lately ive remembered my closest friends from home and friends from the past and now the amount of distance is clear in my mind. I doubt I could handle a romantic endeavor right now anyway. The closest I’ve had to that recently didn’t go so well, or isn’t going well I guess. We’ll call him ESS. We had obstacles to begin with, then to make it worse turns out ESS has some baggage of his own. I hate when other people have mental shit to deal with…it gets in the way of my own mental shit. He may have noticed I have some mental shit by now, but maybe not. At this point he mostly just assumes I have mental shit, I don’t think he has seen it first hand. Ive been careful to come off s very ‘together’ around him. I am pretty TOGETHER I think, but I have moments where things just don’t seem so bright. We have been taking space. First he asked for space. Then when he thought he’d had enough, I told him I could tell he needed more. Now, I just think the space is an excuse for us to drift far enough apart that him even contacting me again would seem forced. But I couldn’t sleep, so I instant messaged him this morning anyway. I really have come to accept that he wont get over the biggest obstacles that stand in the way of our friendship, contacting him was not something I did out of desperation for his affection. Honestly, he was the only person I knew who was awake. He has said really nice things to me, and written them down, too. I miss that. I guess there is a bit of desperation in wanting to talk to someone who has showered you with compliments before, even when you know you wont be hearing any more out of them. He said he had to run to the gym and that he would be back to talk more in an hour. I don’t think he’ll get back to me this morning. Who really goes to the gym at 5am? Nobody I know, that’s for goddamn sure.
Thursday used to be my favorite day. I hope today is a day that makes me go, “Thursdays really are my favorite day”. I guess nothing is really wrong. But nothing is really great, either, is it? I may go home this weekend with Zoe. I have lost my ID for the fourth time so I need to replace it again. I could see my friend Molly. Love Molly. Miss Molly. We talked today, and I got excited to go home. I would see my mom, which could be pleasant or just awkward. We’ve talked on the phone lately. She never sounds great, and I am always so tired when I speak with her that I am sure she assumes my life has gone to shit. Its alright though, which is the best thing. I love that I feel gross now, but once the sun has come up, everything else will seem brighter, too.
Listening to wolf parade right now. Looking at the myspace of the man who is going to do my next tattoo. Excited for new tattoos. Love permanently scarring my body.
Once the sun has come up, everything else will seem brighter, too.
my two favorite boys
